GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize