yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
