If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
