last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize