i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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