I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
FUCK WHALES
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
