forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
