Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
