just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize