Moan for me like Helen Keller
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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