dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
