I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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