What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
