If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We talked him into tasing himself.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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