he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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