You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You're a waste of cheezeits
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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