I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize