drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
