i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
