end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
