All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
