I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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