On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
