i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
