I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
