i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
