If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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