How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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