I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
