R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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