see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
