The maid of honor just puked.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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