Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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