I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
