Sponge bath it is.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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