I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
