I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
