last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
