Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
