Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
