Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
