He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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