The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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