Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
As shirtless as possible
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
