Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
