I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
