it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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