my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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