Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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