Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
