Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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