My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
