Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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