The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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