So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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