I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
