Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
