yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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