Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
