mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
