I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
