I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
