The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
