whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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