Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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