His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
The beer is more important than you right now.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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