did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
