It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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