I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
this beer tastes like vomit already
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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