My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
