I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize