If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She said her name was "party"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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