I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
